Eight tips for children’s mental health

Don’t deny your emotions when you see them, be independent in small matters and don’t cross the line, don’t label mistakes when reviewing them, stay less involved in conflicts between peers, give priority to interests and don’t force others to ask for help, set mobile phone rules in advance, and chat for ten minutes every day.

Don't underestimate these eight short sentences, they are much more practical than the dozens of thick parenting books you buy. I just received a mother of a third-grade child last week. She said that her child has been crying all the time recently. She didn't tell her when she was wronged at school. After talking to her carefully, she found out that her child cried when she fell on her knee. Her first reaction was, "Why are you crying for such a small injury? Boys need to be strong” ； The child said that he was afraid of the dark and did not dare to sleep alone. She just laughed and said, "What is there to be afraid of? Why are you so timid?" In fact, different schools of thought have different opinions on emotional processing: psychoanalytically oriented counselors will say that when you deny your child's emotions, you are essentially denying the existence of his feelings. The more times you do it, the more times he does it, he will feel "it is wrong for me to have emotions" and slowly close the channel for expression. ； Behaviorist researchers have also mentioned that frequently denying a child's emotional expression is equivalent to imposing punishment on his normal talk, and he will naturally be unwilling to talk next time. The first sentence in the mantra, "Don't deny your emotions when you see them." To put it bluntly, the next time he cries, you first hand him a piece of paper and say, "It hurts, right?" "Mom, I'll give you some bragging first" is more useful than ten simple truths.

Speaking of giving children autonomy, I received an even more exaggerated one last month: the child is 10 years old, and the mother has the final say on what socks to wear every day, how many vegetables to eat, and what brand of pencils to buy. Now, when it comes to group activities, he shrinks back, and even chooses a game character and has to look back at his mother's face. Many people are always afraid that giving their children the right to choose will spoil them. Many bloggers who advocate "wolf parenting" even say that children should completely listen to their parents and avoid detours. But what I have seen on the front line is that those children who have been allowed to decide from an early age whether to wear a blue coat or a yellow coat today, and whether to go to the park or the science and technology museum on the weekend, generally have a stronger sense of self-efficacy, and are less likely to be rebellious to the point of losing control in adolescence. The so-called "take care of yourself in small matters without crossing the line", to put it bluntly means that as long as you don't touch the red line of safety and rules, you can let him go with trivial matters. You always hold his life in your own hands. When will he learn to walk on his own?

There is also the saying "Wrong review without labeling". I have seen too many parents blurt out "Why are you so stupid" and "What else can you do if you can't do this well" when they see their children fail in the exam. I have also met parents who insist on "completely encouraging education". They dare not say anything when their children make mistakes, but only give empty praises "You are awesome". In fact, both of these have gone to extremes. In the clinical cases we have come across, children who have been labeled negatively for a long time will have a particularly low sense of self-identity, while children who have been living with empty praise have extremely poor resistance to frustration and can collapse at the slightest criticism. The correct approach is actually very simple: last time you made 5 mistakes in math, sit down and see if you are still careless. Don't make qualitative remarks like "you just don't pay attention." ； If you break the cup, let him clean up the mess together. Don't say "Why are you always careless?" Talking about the matter is better than anything else.

Some people may ask, are these eight sentences dead rules? Of course not. For example, "Stay less involved in peer conflicts." If you really encounter school bullying, you definitely can't ignore it. But if it's just a fight between children over toys, don't go up to help him seek justice. Let him learn to deal with it on his own, which will help him develop his social skills. There is also "ten minutes of small talk every day", which does not mean that you are asked to check in at the end of the day and ask, "How many points did you get on the test today?"

As for the most controversial mobile phone issue, there is really no need to either ban it altogether or completely ignore it. “"Set mobile phone rules in advance", that is, don't wait for the child to play with the mobile phone for three hours before you go up and grab it. Tell him in advance, "You can play for one hour every day on weekends, and we will stop it at that time. If you can take the initiative to put it down, you can give 10 more minutes next week." On the contrary, it can help the child establish a sense of rules, which is much more effective than secretly hiding the mobile phone or deleting the game.

After all, these eight formulas are not golden rules. When I compiled them, I deliberately chose vernacular words that everyone can remember easily, without requiring you to memorize any complicated psychological terms. There is no perfect standard answer for raising a child. To put it bluntly, the core is to treat him as a little adult with his own emotions and ideas. Don't always force things into his little world in the name of "I am doing it for your own good." That's enough.