Children's Mental Health Quotes

Can you express negative emotions freely, can you recover after encountering a stumbling block, can you "do bad things" without any scruples in front of your family?

I have been doing children's psychological intervention for 8 years. I have worked with front-line primary school psychology teachers and pediatric psychiatrists. I have seen too many parents who regard "children's obedience" as the highest standard. During the last outpatient clinic, a mother dragged a third-grade boy into the clinic and said, "My child has psychological problems. He always talks back and throws things." It took me a long time to find out. My child just became the class monitor last week. When he was in charge of discipline, he was teased by his classmates for "tattletale". He didn't dare to say anything when he went home because he was afraid that his parents would scold him for "not even being a class leader." On the contrary, he still dared to explode, which showed that the emotional outlet had not been blocked.

People in our field usually jot down some random thoughts. They are not really famous quotes. They are all accumulated through going through pitfalls and seeing real cases:

• Winnicott said, "Allow your child to hate you." My translation into adult language is: Don't be afraid of your child losing his temper with you. If he dares to roll around in front of you, it shows that he is sure that you will not leave him because he loses his temper. This is the highest proof of security.
• Don't always say, "Why are you crying over such a trivial matter?" To you, it's just a small matter like losing a piece of eraser, but to a 7-year-old kid who saved points for half a month to get this piece of eraser, it's like the sky is falling.
• The academic circles have been arguing about "unconditional love" for more than ten years. The psychoanalytic school says that it must be given, while the behavioral school says that unconditional love will spoil children. I stand in the middle: unconditional love is "love", and conditional love is "behavior" - you must pay for breaking the neighbor's glass, but I will never stop loving you just because you broke the glass.
• Many parents scold their children for being "too glassy". If you think about it from another perspective, you would be upset if your boss made mistakes every day at work. Your child's world is so big and you are his god. If you deny him every day, it's strange that he is not fragile.
• The behaviorist school always talks about "correcting children's negative emotional expressions", and I agree with half of it: before the age of 3, just teach him "You can't hit others when you are angry, but you can hit the pillow". When you are 8 years old, you can repeat "Why were you angry just now", and the order is reversed, which is of no use.
• Really, don't always make excuses for "other people's children". If your children compare your income with Jack Ma every day, you won't be happy either.

I was chatting with several colleagues a while ago, and everyone was saying that many parents now have misunderstandings about "frustration education." Some experts said that children should deliberately create setbacks to practice stress resistance, while others said that children usually encounter enough setbacks, and there is no need to add extra stress. I have come across an interesting case myself: In order to train his child to resist frustration, a father deliberately said "You are just lucky, not really good" every time his child won at chess. As a result, the 6-year-old child refused to play chess anymore and cried whenever he picked up the chess pieces. Hey, there is no need for any deliberate frustration education. Last time I was in the park, I saw a little girl’s sandcastle being trampled by a passing child. She was squatting on the ground crying. Her grandma was pulling her next to her and said, "Isn’t it embarrassing? Stop crying." Instead, her mother knelt down and hugged her for two minutes. Without saying anything, the little girl wiped her tears and said, "I'll build a stronger one, so I won't be afraid of stepping on it next time." You see, the child has encountered enough setbacks. You don't need to add extra obstacles to him, as long as you don't kick him when he falls and hurts, that's enough.

There is also a fact that many people are unwilling to admit: nine out of ten children’s psychological problems are problems at home. I treated a 12-year-old moderately depressed girl last year. Her parents ran a restaurant and she left early and came back late every day. Every time she saw her, the first thing she said was "How many points did she get on this test?" When she was in elementary school, she would tell her parents about interesting things in school, but her parents would interrupt every time and say, "Why are you talking about these useless things?" , just study hard." Later, she stopped talking and started to scratch her arm with a utility knife. Her parents also said that she "just doesn't want to pretend to go to school" - really, if the child can still pretend, it means that it has not reached the most serious stage, and it is really serious to a certain extent, and he is too lazy to even pretend.

Of course, don’t be too anxious. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong if your child occasionally gets into a mood and is silent for two days. I have seen the most exaggerated parents. The child didn’t speak much for two days and then brought him for a checkup. The result was that the child’s favorite anime character died, which made him sad for two days. There is no standard answer when it comes to raising children. If you really don’t know what to do, just think of yourself as you were when you were a child. When you were wronged, you can treat your children the same way you wanted your parents to treat you. You can’t go wrong most of the time.

Finally, I would like to add a sentence that I have remembered for many years: A good parent-child relationship is to provide support for the child. Only when you stand behind him will he have the courage to move forward. It's that simple.