Emotional regulation methods

There is never a universal formula for emotional regulation that is most suitable for ordinary people. The core is to "first catch the current emotion, then dismantle the source of the emotion, and finally choose an appropriate method to adjust." Moreover, the plans of different schools of psychology have their own applicable scenarios. There is no absolute right or wrong. As long as it does not harm yourself or others, the method that makes you comfortable is a good method.

Last week, I met a little operations girl at the door of the consulting room. She was squatting on the steps and crying. The mobile phone she was holding was still lighting up the activity plan that had been changed to the eighth version. Her fingernails were digging into the glass back cover. I didn't pull her up or say, "Don't cry, it's too much." I handed her a glass of sparkling water just taken out of the refrigerator and asked her to hold it for 30 seconds and then take three sips slowly. Within two minutes she recovered, blowing her nose and followed me into the house.

This is actually the most commonly used technique among somatic conditioning practitioners. It is suitable for moments when emotions are high - the states we often call "angry" or "crying". At this time, the prefrontal lobe, which is responsible for rational thinking, is directly hijacked by the amygdala. It is useless to recite "Don't be angry" ten thousand times in your mind. You must first bring down the level of emotional arousal through sensory stimulation. In addition to grabbing ice objects, there are also people who pinch the tiger's mouth, jump on the spot 10 times, and even take a bite of a particularly sour lemon. The principles are similar. Oh, by the way, a salesperson came to me before and told me that every time he was scolded by a customer and wanted to throw the phone, he would secretly break a pen under the table, and half of his anger would be gone with the snap. It can be regarded as a wild method he found out by himself, as long as it works.

Of course, this method can only solve the immediate problem. If you collapse every time the leader says a few words, drinking ten glasses of iced drinks will be of no use. At this time, the method of cognitive behavioral school is more suitable. To put it bluntly, it means to separate the mixed emotions and facts. Many people think that this is the "Ah Q spirit" and "self-brainwashing", but it is not true - you don't have to force yourself to say "the boss scolded me for my own good", as long as you can break down the idea of ​​"he is targeting me" into "he was just criticized by Party A this morning, and half of what he said just now is to express his anger, and the other half is to say that there is indeed a problem with the timing of my version of the plan", it is enough. It’s the same little operations girl just now. I always felt that the boss deliberately gave her small shoes. Later, when I checked the chat history, I remembered that the boss even praised her for the bonus during the user fission activity she did last month at the all-department meeting, and she instantly felt less aggrieved. Of course, some people don't agree with this method and think it's too rational and suppresses emotions. That's right. If you are used to holding back and forcing yourself to "reason", you will easily suffer internal injuries.

If you take it apart and find that such a trivial matter does not make you so angry, then it is most likely that old emotions have been brought out. In this case, the emotionally oriented school will suggest that you dig back and don't rush to suppress your emotions. I had a visit before, and every time my boyfriend forgot to buy something she asked me to buy, he would get into a big fight. I didn't think it was necessary, but I just couldn't control it. Later, when we talked about her childhood, she discovered that her parents always promised to take her to the amusement park on weekends, but they always failed to make the appointment. She was disappointed that no one answered her at that time. Now when she encounters the scene of being "forgotten", the emotions she felt when she was a child come flooding back. At this time, it is useless to tell yourself "He is just busy and forgets." It is better to find a place where no one is around and say a few words to your childhood self: "I know you were very sad at that time, and now I will not let you be wronged anymore." It is more effective than any cognitive adjustment.

Oh, by the way, you really don’t need to follow the “standard adjustment methods” on the Internet. I couldn't sit still and do mindfulness, even if it was only for 5 minutes, I could run 8 to-do lists in my mind. Later, I stopped forcing myself. Every time I was in a bad mood, I would go downstairs to feed the stray cats for half an hour, or I would find an old notebook and write down all the curse words, and then tear it up and throw it into the trash can. Nowadays, some people on the Internet criticize mindfulness as an IQ tax, and some people say that venting emotions is immature. In fact, they have not found the right situation to adapt to: if you ask a person who has not finished writing a paper due tomorrow to sit down and meditate for 20 minutes, that is not adjustment, that is adding obstruction. ； If you ask a person who is used to being depressed to vent to his relatives and friends, it will only cause him more troubles in his interpersonal relationships. There is no absolute right or wrong.

Don't believe the nonsense that "emotional stability is the norm for adults." Emotions that flow are healthy. Suppressing them can easily build up into knots. Emotions are like not bringing an umbrella on a rainy day. You can run, you can hide in a convenience store for a while, and you can even take a few slow steps in the rain to catch the wind. As long as you don't deliberately jump into a deep puddle and make yourself sick, you can do whatever makes you feel better.