What conditions are needed for children’s mental health?

Having worked as a community psychological service provider for children for 8 years, I can clearly say that children’s mental health is never achieved by relying on a certain type of conditions. The core is the result of a stable support system and an appropriate growth space. Without either, problems are likely to arise.

Not long ago, I met a little boy in second grade at the service station. His teacher always complained that he was deliberately causing trouble in class and loved to hit his classmates. When his parents brought him over, they sighed and said that this child is born with a bad temper. Later, after playing with the child on the sandbox for half an hour and visiting the house, I found out that my parents had just divorced half a year ago, and my grandmother always said in front of the child that my mother was "not a good person" and would not let her pick her up from school. The school teacher always put him in the last row alone because of his declining grades. There was no place where he could feel at ease, so he had to rely on making trouble to increase his sense of presence. Later, we first communicated with the elder about not spreading negative emotions toward the other parent in front of the child, and discussed with the teacher to give him more small tasks such as collecting homework and watering the plant corner. After just over half a month, the parents said that the child was willing to take the initiative to talk when he came home, and the teacher also said that he raised his hands more often in class.

Nowadays, many people are debating which factor has a greater impact on children's psychology. Some people think that family is the root. As long as the family provides a sense of security, children will not have problems no matter what the outside world does. Others say that the weight of school environment and academic pressure has long surpassed that of family. Many depressed children have a particularly good family atmosphere, but they are bullied by classmates or forced to collapse by exam pressure. Both of these statements are actually a bit biased. I once met a little boy in the fourth grade. His parents are very liberal university teachers and usually provide encouraging education to the child. Because the child is born with slow bladder development, he occasionally has to bring diapers to school in the third grade. He was jokingly called "diaper baby" by his classmates. They laughed at him for more than half a year. The child gradually did not dare to go to school and vomited as soon as he arrived at the classroom door. Do you think this can be blamed on the parents for not giving him enough love? On the other hand, there are also left-behind children whose parents work outside the home and live with their grandparents. If they meet a class teacher who is willing to take care of them, they still look cheerful and optimistic, and they dare to move forward when encountering problems.

Many parents tend to fall into another misunderstanding, that is, they always think that "I will give you the best material conditions and help you avoid all the pitfalls, and you should be happy." In fact, this is not the case. It is like raising a sapling. You always put it in the greenhouse, pour the most fertilizer, and don't let any wind blow. Instead, it will take root shallowly, and it will easily wilt if it is moved outdoors. This was the case for a fifth-grade girl who came for consultation a while ago. Her parents were afraid that she would be wronged, so they had arranged everything for her since kindergarten. The parents chose the interest classes and the friends to go out with. Even when she had conflicts with classmates, her parents stepped in to mediate. As a result, the child now dared not even raise her hand in class. She locked herself in her room and cried when she fell short on the exam. She didn't even have the courage to ask the teacher questions. Do you say she lacks love? Her parents loved her so much that they almost overflowed with love, but they didn’t leave enough room for her to make her own trials and errors and make her own choices. She was almost deprived of her right to be “unhappy,” so she couldn’t develop her mental toughness.

In fact, after working in this industry for a long time, I feel that there is no need to set too rigid standards. Every child has a different temperament. Some children are more sensitive and need more attention. Some children are naturally carefree and will be fine if they are raised a little more extensively. The most important thing is to let the children feel from the bottom of their hearts, "I am loved, someone will take care of everything, and I have the right to make my own choices." Children who can do these two things will basically have the same mental state.