The content of children’s mental health mainly includes

The content of children's mental health mainly includes five core components: healthy emotional development, adaptive development of cognitive abilities, good adaptation of social functions, the establishment of stable and self-consistent self-awareness, and age-appropriate behavioral regulation abilities. This is the most direct conclusion after I have been doing front-line intervention in children's psychology for 6 years and have been exposed to nearly a thousand cases.

Don't tell me, when I was doing free screening in the community last week, I met a parent who dragged his first-grade son over and asked, "This child cries for half an hour every time he doesn't get a perfect score on the exam. Does he have a "psychological problem"? The old man next to him came over and added, "It's just too strong. It would be better if it was bigger." In fact, there is no need to be simple and strong. This child's problem lies precisely in the process of establishing self-awareness. He has equated "full score = mom and dad love me". To him, a score of 98 is not "I am only 2 points short", but "I am not worthy of being liked anymore".

When talking about this, I have to mention the different views of the academic community on the formation of children's self-awareness: Erikson of the psychoanalytic school believes that the age of 3-6 is a critical period for children to actively explore and develop. If parents always deny their children's independent choices at this stage, it is easy for them to feel guilty that "my needs are not important" and slowly regard external evaluation as the only criterion for measuring themselves.； The behaviorist school of thought believes that this understanding of "only perfect scores are worthy of being loved" is completely shaped by acquired feedback - for example, every time you score 100 points on the test, you will buy toys, and if you score 98 points on the test, you will sigh. The more times the child scores, the more they will naturally form conditioned reflexes. ； Humanistic scholars are more direct, saying that this is essentially because the child's autonomous needs are not seen. He never has the opportunity to think about "how many points do I want to take the exam", and will only focus on "how many points do my parents want me to take the exam". No one is right or wrong. Different families have different upbringing environments, and the root causes of problems are naturally different.

The easiest thing for many parents to misunderstand is the regulation of emotions and behavior. They always think that children who throw things, hit people, and can't sit still are "skinny" and "in need of discipline." Last time a mother came to see me with her 3-year-old son, saying that the child always bites other children, and she refused to listen even after she told her 800 times. I asked her what the scene usually looks like when a child bites someone. She thought for a long time and said, "Either he can't grab the toy, or I don't let him watch cartoons." You see, the language expression ability of a 3-year-old child is not yet fully developed. He may not even be able to say the sentence "I am very angry" smoothly. When the emotion comes up, can't he only use the most direct actions to output? Asking children of this age to be "sensible" and "control their emotions" is essentially as outrageous as asking a child who hasn't learned to walk to run a marathon.

Oh, by the way, there are many people who think that children’s mental health means “just not being sick.” I once met a little girl in fourth grade who was always ranked among the top three in her grade and never lost her temper. Her teachers and parents praised her as “the child of others who saves worries.” However, when she came for sandbox therapy, she placed a full circle of spiky cactus in the sandbox, and then shut her little doll representing herself in a small house in the middle of the cactus, even blocking the door. After three conversations, we found out that she had been attending six interest classes every week since she was 5 years old. She never dared to say that she didn’t want to study. “If I said I didn’t want to go, my mother would be sad.” Look at how well she seems to adapt to society. She can get along well with her classmates and meet all the requirements of her teachers and parents, but she suppresses her own emotional needs. This is not a healthy state at all.

To be honest, these sections have never been separated, just like the Lego blocks played by children. Without any piece, no stable house can be built. You see, those children who cannot get along well with their classmates by the third or fourth grade are often not simply poor in social skills. They may be yelled back by adults when they cry when they are two or three years old. The outlet for emotional expression is blocked. They have a cognitive default that "no one will listen to their needs", so they either cower in the corner and dare not speak, or hit others when there is a conflict.

When we are doing screening on the front line, we are most afraid that parents will apply unified standards to their own children: "Other people's children of the same age can greet each other generously, but my child hides away from others. Is there a problem?" ”“Is my child autistic because he always likes to play by himself? ”In fact, it is really not necessary. There is no absolute standardized answer to children's mental health. As long as the child's behavior is in line with his age and he does not have obvious discomfort or resistance in socializing and learning, it is not a problem. After all, when we focus on these health standards, the bottom line is not to raise a child who perfectly meets expectations, but to make him cry happily, laugh openly, and have the confidence to get up and keep going even if he encounters setbacks, right?