self healing self salvation

The ultimate answer to self-healing and self-salvation is never to "correct all flaws" or "smooth all wounds", but to admit that all your pain, twisting, and brokenness are reasonable. You don't need to wait for recognition, apology, or rescue from the outside world. First, reach out and pull yourself out of the quagmire - even if you are still unsteady after pulling out, even if you are still covered in mud, that is your own and solid "get better."

To be honest, I have seen too many people turn self-healing into a new round of self-criticism: when someone else says "I need to reconcile with my family of origin," I blame myself for why I can't let go of the hurt of my parents.； I heard a blogger say that "emotional stability is the best match for adults". Even if I collapse, I have to hold my watch. I am afraid that if I cry for ten more minutes, I am "not self-disciplined enough."” ； I even went for consultation, but when I didn't see any results twice, I scolded myself that "the mud can't hold up the wall."

This is the case with A Shuang, a girl I met two years ago. On the day she was laid off by a large Internet company, her boyfriend of three years lost contact after he sent a WeChat message saying "We are not suitable". She locked herself in a rental house for three months. She first followed an online guide to do mindfulness meditation. After sitting for five minutes, her mind was filled with "What will happen to my rent next month?" Later, she signed up for a pottery experience class with the mentality of giving it a try. She originally just wanted to kill time, but the more she squeezed the mud, the more she felt. She vented all her grievances and anger on the mud, and the little monsters she made were all grinning and claws. They were so ugly that she laughed out loud for the first time in those three months.

At this point, someone must bring up the debate between schools: psychoanalytic counselors will say that you have to look back at the unfinished events of childhood and make the trauma in your subconscious conscious in order to truly heal.； Supporters of positive psychology will say that dwelling on the past is useless. You must take the initiative to create positive experiences and build your own social support system. ； Not to mention the various views on body, mind and soul that are flying around the world now, telling you to "surrender", "let go" and "look within". These statements are all correct, but none of them is a standard answer suitable for everyone - Shuang also had ten long-term psychoanalysis consultations at the beginning. After each session, he cried until he was hypoxic and could not recover for several days. Instead, he felt that his trauma was more serious. It was not until he pinched the mud that he discovered that he didn't have to tear open the wound to show it to others. Spending your energy on things that make you comfortable is healing in itself.

Oh, by the way, don’t believe the nonsense about “you have to forgive before you can move forward.” I received a private message from a reader last year. She was criticized by her direct boss at a state-owned enterprise, took the blame, and was almost fired. She didn’t blame the other party, nor did she force herself to “let go of this resentment.” She spent every day after get off work in the library to take qualification certificates, and spent a year to join a leading company in the industry. The annual salary was three times the previous one. When she was newly hired, she found that her previous leader came for an interview and became her subordinate. She told me, "I have never forgiven him, and I don't need to forgive. I just want to climb higher than him so that he can never hurt me again. This is my salvation." You see, is there any superior or inferior way of healing? Some people's salvation is to make peace with the past, and some people's salvation is to leave those who once bullied you far behind. As long as you feel comfortable, as long as you are no longer bound by the pain of the past, any choice is right.

When I failed the postgraduate entrance examination, I also tried many "standard answers": I talked to friends, but the more I talked, the more annoying I became.； Keep an emotional diary, and as you write it, you start to scold yourself for being useless. ； I even went to the hospital and was prescribed anti-anxiety medicine. After taking it for half a month, I always felt drowsy, so I simply stopped. Later, I walked around the school's artificial lake every evening. When I was tired, I squatted on the shore to pick up stones. The stones were strangely shaped, some had patterns, and some were rounded by the water. I picked up a jar full and put it next to my desk. After walking for about a month, one day I squatted by the water and touched a stone that was half submerged in the water. The cool water covered my wrist. When the wind blew, I suddenly realized: So what if I didn't pass the exam? I can still go out for a walk every day and find that the rocks are beautiful. I haven’t lost.

You see, self-healing is actually very much like patching clothes: some people like to embroider the holes into flowers, some people like to just put a patch on them, and some people just cut the holes bigger and make them into popular beggar clothes. There is no standard "repair method" at all. You don't have to force yourself to be an "emotionally stable adult". You cry when you feel pain, lie down when you are tired, eat junk food when you want, and scold those who hurt you. Those who say you are "not elegant enough" or "mature enough" have not experienced your pain, so they have no right to dictate how you heal.

Yesterday I saw Ah Shuang's circle of friends. The small ceramic studio she opened had just celebrated its first anniversary. The walls were covered with weird little monsters made by customers. A girl who looked like a high school student posted a note next to the crooked little monster she made: "I failed the mock test again today. I thought I would never be able to get into the university I want to go to. After making this monster, I think I can solve another set of questions." ”

How can there be any earth-shattering redemption? The extra day you endured, the extra mouthful of hot rice you ate, the extra tear you shed for yourself, and even the extra minute you squatted on the roadside to watch the sunset were all pulling you toward a brighter place. You don’t have to be a perfect person. As long as you become yourself, you have completed the most amazing self-salvation.