Ten tips for children’s mental health

1. Reason after crying, let your emotions settle first

2. Don’t compare him to others, he is unique

3. Let him choose for small things, but set boundaries for big things

4. When you make a mistake, don’t rehabilitate yourself, just deal with the situation.

5. You will also show weakness before he dares to tell you.

6. Speak less about big principles and more about “I understand you””

7. The screen has boundaries and there are no restrictions on playing.

8. Achievements are not everything, character is the bottom line

9. Just listen to what he says and don’t be too busy correcting him.

10. Love should be expressed directly, don’t hide what you give.

Last month, I received a second-grade child who had been squeezing his eyes and clearing his throat for more than half a year. After the pediatrician found no organic problems, he switched to psychological intervention. After three interviews, he dug out the root cause: Ever since he first entered elementary school, his father would scold him whenever he cried, "A man bleeds and doesn't shed tears, and crying is useless." You say you are suffering from this. If you had known the saying "reason after crying and let your emotions settle first", why would you have suffered like this? Oh, by the way, there have been disagreements in the industry about whether to accept emotions first. When behaviorism was popular in the early 20 or 30 years ago, many people thought that crying was a problem behavior that needed to be corrected and had to be dealt with coldly. But now, whether it is Satir's emotion-oriented therapy or the latest developmental psychology research, a consensus has been reached: children's negative emotions are like summer rainstorms.

I found that one thing that many parents like to do is to compare their children's shortcomings with the strengths of others, "Look at the LeLe piano downstairs, they have passed level 10, how come you can't even read a simple musical score?" "Look at your class leader taking the first place in the exam every time, how do you know how to play?" - My best friend's daughter used to be like this. She used to be very talented at drawing illustrations. Every time her mother said something about other people's children, she would tear up a picture, and in the end she wouldn't touch the pen at all. “"Don't compare him to others, he is unique" is really not chicken soup. Developmental psychology clearly states that children between the ages of 7 and 12 are in a critical period of building a sense of self-identity. The label of "not as good as others" that you casually attach will eventually become a part of his self-perception, and he will not be able to tear it off when he grows up.

Another pitfall that is ridiculously common is that when scolding children, they tend to bring up old scores. Last time, a mother complained to me that her child always talked back. I asked her to record the exact words she scolded her for. My dear, it was because her child forgot to bring a red scarf to school. She started scolding her for forty minutes, starting from "losing things" to losing her phone and watch last year, and then going to the supermarket to secretly get candy the year before last. The child finally squatted on the ground and cried, saying, "I just forgot to bring my red scarf. Why don't you tell me all the mistakes I have made since childhood?" Really, when your child makes a mistake, you can just focus on the matter in front of you. Revealing old scores will have no positive effect other than making him feel that you have disliked him for a long time. This is the principle of "don't go back on past mistakes when you make a mistake, just discuss the matter as it is".

A parent asked me before, "Let him choose small things, and draw boundaries for big things." What are small things and big things? In fact, there is no unified standard in the industry. The school of positive discipline advocates giving children "limited choice." For example, you can choose to wear a blue coat or a red coat, but today you must wear a coat to cool down and there is no negotiation. ； Practitioners of free-range parenting may say that as long as the bottom line of safety is not touched, children can make their own choices in everything. My own practical experience is that for children under the age of 10, you can let them choose when it comes to their personal preferences, such as what to eat, whether to play or do homework first after school, whether to go to the park or the science and technology museum on the weekend, but when it comes to safety, public order and good customs, such as not touching the power supply, not hitting others, and going to bed on time, these boundaries must be firmly established and cannot be compromised at all.

Last year, I picked up a girl who was in the second grade of junior high school. She didn't speak to her parents for more than ten words in half a year. Her parents were so anxious that she would talk back to her at everything she said. I chatted with the girl once and found out that every time she complained to her parents about "the class teacher targeted me today", her dad's first sentence was always "If you don't cause trouble, can the teacher criticize you?" ”, her mother began to say, "You need to have a good relationship with the teacher, it will be good for your studies." Of course she was unwilling to say it after a long time. The only advice I gave my parents was this: Next time she says something, don’t rush to educate her. First, say, “I would feel aggrieved if it were me.” With this sentence, my parents told me two months later that the girl is now willing to gossip about school with them. Isn't this just "just listen to what he says, don't be too busy correcting me" and "less on big principles, more on I understand you". You have to make him feel that you are on his side first, then he will be willing to open his heart to you.

There are also many parents who have misunderstandings. They think that I must be dignified in front of my children and cannot show weakness, otherwise my children will not be afraid of me. Oh, by the way, the "good enough mother" theory in psychoanalysis has long been mentioned. You don't have to be perfect superhuman parents. Occasionally telling your children, "Mom is so tired from work today, can you get me a glass of water?" I have seen many parents who do not let their children do anything at home and do everything by themselves. In the end, the children they raise are selfish. Why? You have never given him a chance to give. "You will also show weakness, so he dares to tell you." You always put yourself above others, and of course your child will not dare to tell you what is in your heart.

Oh, by the way, I need to say more about the sentence "The screen has boundaries and there are no limits on play." Nowadays, many parents regard electronic products as a scourge. They get angry when they see their children playing with mobile phones, but then they enroll their children in all the interest classes and don't even give their children time to go downstairs to play. In fact, today's children are digital natives. It is impossible for you to prevent them from touching their mobile phones. It is better to discuss with them the time to play every day and stop playing when the time is up. However, do not limit the time for children to play. Whether it is playing with mud or dismantling toys, as long as they are willing to play, let them play. Play itself is the process of children learning social skills and developing creativity. If you take up all the playing time, the children will have no place to vent their emotions. It would be strange if there are no psychological problems.

Of course, these ten formulas are not a panacea. If the child has obvious emotional disorders, physical symptoms or behavioral deviations, don’t just follow the formulas, and quickly find a professional child psychological interventionist for evaluation. The earlier the intervention, the better the effect. After all, there is no standard answer to raising children. To put it bluntly, these tips are to help you avoid unnecessary pitfalls and help your children grow up solidly and happily. This is better than anything else.